4 Signs Your Relationship With Your Ex Is Toxic

Handling the aftermath of a breakup can be challenging, and without careful attention to the accompanying interpersonal dynamics, relationships with an ex can quickly fall into toxic patterns—and stay that way.

The very intimacy inherent in a romantic relationship can, conversely, set up the perfect storm for unhealthy interaction patterns when that connection ends. Once a romantic relationship is over, many people cut off contact completely, but this is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Some people stay connected throughout their lifetimes, while some are forced to be in contact with an ex due to sharing the same friend group, becoming close to their families, or a myriad of other issues that complicate breakups.

Signs of a toxic relationship with an ex

If you’re facing a breakup in a romantic relationship—or have been on the other side of it for an extended period of time—you may wonder if your interactions with your ex are healthy. There are several signs to be aware of that could indicate a relationship is more toxic than thriving.

You feel guilty about moving on. In many instances, especially with long-term relationships or romances that expanded to include milestones like moving in together or spending time with each other’s families, breaking up can complicate other aspects of your life. One of the first signs that things are not where they need to be with an ex is a sense of guilt when you feel ready to move forward and date someone new.

If you feel worried, stressed, or that you need to hide your feelings for someone new from your ex, you may want to revisit the relationship. Analyzing whether you need more closure is an important first step, and it could be beneficial to review what led to the breakup in order to ensure you are truly ready to move forward. If you are certain of your readiness, those feelings of guilt need to be dealt with.

Moving forward is a healthy step after the breakup of a romance, and, though it could create awkward interactions in past romantic relationships, it’s a necessary progression to form healthy relationships in the future. Feeling guilt over starting a new relationship after a breakup could be a sign that your interactions with your ex need to be examined and adjusted.

You feel responsible for your ex’s feelings. In healthy relationships, both involved parties care about each other’s emotions while still being able to take responsibility for their own feelings. Believing that you are responsible for the emotions of your ex is a red flag.

If you find yourself walking on eggshells long after the end of a romantic relationship, or making important decisions in your life based on your worry about how an ex will react, that relationship could be entering an unhealthy stage. When people part ways after a breakup, each person should be able to move forward and live their life independently.

Though it’s more common in the beginning stages of a breakup to feel some responsibility for your ex’s feelings, continuing to experience these issues long after the breakup is over can harm your ability to move forward. Each person in a breakup should feel comfortable to experience autonomy, without being dependent on others’ emotions.

Your ex refuses to give you space. After a breakup, reorganizing two lives that have been intertwined can be very challenging. When exes struggle with allowing each other space—both physical and emotional—it can be a signal that their interactions have become toxic.

A breakup should allow each individual the chance to create a new future, without the influence, judgment, or control of their ex. Worrying that you have to look over your shoulder or dealing with an ex who wants to stay involved in every detail of your life is unhealthy.

After a breakup, you are not beholden to your ex—if you want to spend time with them, it should be on mutually agreed terms. If your ex contacts you against your wishes, or oversteps boundaries when you spend time together, it’s crucial to set firm limits so both partners can move forward.

Your relationship feels imbalanced. Two individuals who break up but decide to maintain contact moving forward should have equal input into what that contact looks like. It should not require one or the other to give up more than they are willing to.

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Equality in your relationship with your ex includes boundaries that feel comfortable to both parties, mutual respect, and a willingness to compromise when necessary. However, if those compromises make either person feel uncomfortable, there needs to be a change.

If you decide to maintain contact with an ex, it’s important to set limits on what that contact should look like—and, if the interactions start to feel off-kilter or unsafe in any way, a change is necessary to ensure both individuals feel the relationship is on equal footing.

Toxicity hurts everyone involved

The decision to maintain a relationship with an ex in any form is an individual decision that should be made with care and purpose. It’s entirely possible to do so in a healthy, functioning way that still allows each party to go on with their individual lives; however, if a relationship with an ex starts to show red flags, reevaluate before it crosses into potentially unsafe ground. Toxic relationships with an ex will only hurt everyone involved—and could prevent future happiness with someone else.