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Depression
You (Probably) Aren't Selfish, Here's Why
Six things that look like selfishness but aren't.
Posted June 30, 2024 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- "Selfish" is a quick label that we often give ourselves and others when we don't understand certain actions.
- Self-preservation and growth can make it necessary to set more boundaries and explore. This is not selfish.
- The effects of anxiety, depression, and trauma can create new needs that can be misunderstood.
We are in an era of "take no nonsense." Patience, suspension of judgment, and forgiveness are becoming less common arts—especially when it comes to ourselves. With a sword of self-criticism, we can easily slice ourselves apart after disappointment.
Among the most common complaints, toward self and others, is selfishness. But what does selfishness truly mean? Is what we often call "selfish" truly self-centered and unkind? Or are what some call selfish actions sometimes necessary for well-being?
Here are some phenomena that can be mistaken for selfishness and what we can do about each:
1. Growth
During times of rapid growth, it is normal to take time for self-focus. The process can be messy. This is especially true for young people creating a sense of identity and selecting values for life. Others might find the in-between experimentation annoying, but such a metamorphosis is vital and beautiful.
If you need more time for introspection or find that your values no longer align with those around you, this is a time for growth. Take the opportunity to explore who you are and who you want to be. If someone you care about is going through this evolution, give them patience and space to discover. This is a key time for them.
2. Self-Preservation
Sometimes we have to look after ourselves so that we don't drown. Steps such as saying "no" at times, or not offering help are steps we need to take at times to allocate our resources appropriately. This might be especially so for someone who is currently facing significant life demands such as leaving a relationship, going through grad school, or fighting an illness. The courage to place these boundaries can be imperative.
If you are finding that you need to set more boundaries than you once did, it is possible to hold these compassionately. Prioritize what you can do and communicate clearly. If someone around you appears overwhelmed, ask if they need to step back. It is not personal.
3. Depression
Nothing depletes our mental resources like depression. The low energy, negative rumination, and pervasive cloud can make it difficult to be ourselves. Depression is not a choice, it is a health condition. It is not synonymous with selfishness.
If you believe that you could be dealing with depression, there is hope. With psychotherapy and sometimes psychiatric intervention, depression is treatable. If someone you care about is acting especially negatively, give them compassion. Express your concerns and offer support knowing that the person may not have their usual reserves right now. Oftentimes, when someone is depressed, those around them disappear. Depression is an immensely painful experience and isolation only worsens it.
4. Anxiety
Similarly, anxiety can cause even enjoyable tasks to feel overwhelming and forbidding. When dealing with stress, people often cancel plans at the last minute or seem preoccupied with worry. They are engaging in a psychological battle that is in no way selfish.
Anxiety that is affecting your daily life calls for support. If this is something you are walking through, you are not alone and that help is available. Through mental health support, it is possible to learn strategies to live a full life and work through anxiety. If someone you care about seems trapped by fear and worry in a way that also affects you, be clear. If you walk away without expressing why, they may assume that you no longer want them in your life. Share that anxiety is common and treatable. Offer to support them in accessing help.
5. The Effects of Trauma
After a traumatic experience, we can feel numbed in our emotions or hypervigilant. We might not connect in the ways that we used to. Avoiding reminders of the traumatic experience or feeling the visceral aftereffects of a trigger can lead us to be less present in the moment.
Healing trauma is possible but often involves support from a psychotherapist. If you are going through this, your emotions are valid and not selfish. You have the power to reach out for help. If someone you care about has not been the same since something awful happened, they are still the same person behind their eyes. Let go of judgments that they have "changed" or no longer care.
Neurodivergent people encounter the world from a perspective that is different from neurotypical people. Their preferences might be dissimilar and misunderstanding is common. For example, sensory overwhelm is a reality for many neurodivergent people. If someone asks that television be turned down, the request could come across as controlling or self-centered when the individual might be trying hard to think and cope in a sensory world that feels like all too much in the moment.
If you are neurodivergent, self-acceptance is critical to well-being. This often means self-advocacy and accepting that not everyone will be educated on your differences. If you care about someone who is neurodivergent, rather than assuming selfishness if they are acting differently than you might, consider the possibility that they may be reacting appropriately to the world as they feel it.
In Closing
Selfishness is a nasty judgment that often holds little utility. When we look past this quick judgment, misunderstandings can be brought to light. With kindness toward ourselves and others, we have the best chance of positivity and growth rather than the limiting effects of the judgemental label of "selfishness."
